Tessa’s journey through childhood grief losing her dad in a car crash

Tessa Marshall lost her father at just 16 months old. A 21-year-old father embarked on a road trip with his friends to Wales. John was killed in a road crash alongside his best friend in the car.

Growing up with no memory of her dad, Tessa felt different from those around her. As a child, hearing stories about her father, she was able to feel a void as she struggled to verbalise how to discuss her journey with grief.

Tessa discussed her experience with grief as a child, stating, "I really had a lot of trouble with sleep. I couldn't spend a whole night in my bed. I would always wake up and get into bed with my mum and new dad. Then, as I got a little older, I started having temper tantrums. But it was actually me acting out because I didn't know how to verbalise."

This progressed later in adulthood. Tessa's outbursts led her to face trouble at work and resulted in her seeking anger management, or she would have been sacked due to her behaviour.

"Within the first 10 minutes of my first session, my counsellor said to me, You don't need anger management, you need grief management, which was mindblowing.

I learned that I wasn't angry. I was grieving. The root of my grief was coming out as anger and temper tantrums, and bad behaviour, but it wasn't actually that. I didn't know how to grieve."

Learning that from early on, that there should have been more open conversation surrounding her father's death, she now encourages people to be open to talking about grief.

"I think it’s a very British thing, that we think it's better not to mention it.

One of the things that I noticed in conversations with my mum is that she will say because you didn't ask anything. I wouldn't bring it up, I thought you were okay. We didn't want to upset you.

Now, I'm sitting there thinking, well, everybody else is doing okay, so I'm not going to bring it up.

All it would have taken is, Would you like to talk about your dad?"

Counselling allowed a new outlook on life for Tessa; she was able to join a Facebook group where she was able to connect with others who had a similar experience.

"It's really important to be around people who understand how you feel.

"The shock that comes with an immediate death, there is no preparation time.

"I do think when it's a very sudden death, I think it would be great if there was more support around that."

After meeting with her uncle and dad's friend, who was supposed to be in the car that night, Tessa decided to launch her business, This Is Them. A book that combines all the memories and information for a child who has lost a loved one.

"I realised that collecting memories was a really positive thing to do. We have a chat with the friends and family, usually nominated by the family. When you don't have any memories at all, the smallest piece of information is really important."

The book isn't created digitally; it is printed, enabling a child to always have access to a memory without having to ask for permission.

"Because of talking about it, because of, I did this, because of the steps I took, I ended up meeting the guy that should have been in the car that night.

"I probably feel the freest from my grief than I ever have in my life. I spent a lot of time just pretending it hadn't happened, and it didn't matter

"As a child, I don't know if I would have even listened to that advice, but yeah, it would have been primarily to talk to my mum more."